Maybe it is just my imagination; however, it seems that as I get older change is becoming a regular interruption to my life. Learning to face change is always difficult for me. I suppose you could say I can get in a rut rather quickly. I thought I had to relearn how to live my life after Clyde died, but I am finding out that learning possibly will not be over until they close the lid on my coffin (or shortly before that)! I was given the advice to not make any major decisions during the early stages of grieving. I must say that was relatively good advice.
When I decided I was ready for a big change, I discovered quickly I really was not ready. I busied myself with cleaning out, throwing away, and trying to declutter my home. In retrospect, I quickly realized it was not going to be an easy task. Realistically, I knew that all my “treasures” were not anything but clutter and junk to my family. Looking back, I wish I had been wiser about buying “things” that gave temporary pleasure. All my collectibles made me happy for a while, but now they are a burden. Oh, I know a few pieces will make someone happy for a little time period, but I realize now that time spent purchasing, arranging, and dusting them could have been better spent.
The legacy I want to leave for my loved ones is that helping others, spending quality time, showing love, making memories, and valuing family and friends is more important than things money can buy. For the last several years, I have lost loved ones at an extremely rapid pace. So many dear friends, family members, and loved ones have gone on to their eternal home! My biggest regret is the lost opportunities to just be with each of them. I have tried to live my life in a manner that helped others feel and understand that I truly loved them.
Clyde often told me I used the word “love” too much. However, when I say I love you to someone, I am very serious. When I was a child, the words, “I love you” meant care, affection, safety, and protection. The only thing that has changed about the word love for me is that love also means a wish for the person to whom I say it to know that they are important to me. I care about their soul and future. I want them to know the feeling is real and extends to life after death. Even though, people disappoint and hurt me, I still want them to know the kind of love God has for us. I am far from perfect, I sin every single day; but I will never close my eyes at night without asking forgiveness and praying for another chance to make things right. My fervent prayer is when I meet my Savior face to face, He will say, “Welcome Home My good and faithful servant. Well done!”